How to Pack for Europe

 I travel quite a lot, but I’ve yet to master packing. I don’t know what it is about packing for a trip that is so damn angsty. Probably because it involves making a million different decisions that anticipate the future. I keep an entire house of things on hand so I don’t have to do that. 

The developing world vs. the developed world presents different challenges. If you are going to South Sudan, your main goal is to include items that will prevent you from getting malaria or a fungal infection. In Europe, you want to look good. Stylish. Thin. You know, like a European. 

I am leaving on Friday for Austria, where I will be joining my husband on a work-turned-child-free-vacation. Which means I am currently in a pre-trip panic about what I need to bring and what new things I need to buy. I suddenly own NOTHING APPROPRIATE. 

Live look at my inner monologue:

Do I need a unisex backpack generator in Austria? I'm thinking not but Amazon suggested it. 

OMG but would that ever be just the thing for my next trip to Juba. Mental note. 

I mean, more iPhone cords is a no duh. Always. click. 

I've decided I own no appropriate socks. Europeans wear good socks. I don't want to stand out.

I suddenly don't know how to dress myself. Like, what do I even wear on a daily basis in normal life. I mean, whatever that is, it won’t be appropriate for a European capital, obviously. But at the moment, I don’t even know what I wear to America. 

Googling What do I wear in Vienna. Do people wear normal clothes or like a special Austrian suit. 

Does my husband need a speedo. He's already there and hasn't mentioned it but you never know. 

An American flag speedo is just a pointless giveaway though. 

I'm thinking lederhosen is a bridge too far. I don’t think ethnic Germans actually wear that except in Ricola ads. 

Googling How not to look American in Europe 2023. OMG I need a hat. Also clogs. 

DEAR GOD I THINK MY HUSBAND PACKED CARGO SHORTS. I MUST WAKE HIM IN THE NIGHT TO WARN HIM. 

Also how do I lose 20 lbs by Friday. 

And of course LAYERS. everything from Alpine blizzard to climate-change-inspired heat wave. 

I'm going to REI today and just tell them I need enough to survive for a week on the side of a mountain in case we get lost on our day hike. 

btw travel advice for looking less American overseas basically boils down to STFU and eat less

"You should not dress as if you’re off to the Oscar’s nor should you look tousled or disheveled, as if you just got out of bed." But what if those are my only 2 looks 

“The best thing a traveler can do is go to a local clothing store and buy a couple of outfits — then no one will ever mistake you for a tourist,” says travel expert Johnny Jet. I CAN DO THIS JOHNNY JET. YES.

"Whether it's wearing ball caps, sports team shirts, white tennis shoes, well-worn Levi’s, polos, American logos, or backpacks filled with all your important papers and jewelry, these are fashions you may what to change while abroad." WHO DOESN'T WEAR ALL THEIR IMPORTANT PAPERS THO 

dear GOD I NEED A EUROPEAN SCARF like one that doesn't keep you warm. Also Google How do I tie a European scarf 

I must look like this. Tell me how to look like this. 

OMG MY HUSBAND IS ALREADY THERE WITH ATHLEISURE IN HIS BAG. We are going to be stoned in the street.

I don't know guys, maybe I should cancel the trip. I own too many American clothings. I don't think it's safe.