Love in the Time of Corona Part II

A conversation with my husband that has not happened yet but could happen very soon:

Kevin: Quit touching your face. I'm not sure you're aware of how much you touch your face.
Me: It's how I find my chin hairs! They are blond and not that visible. I have to hunt for them by touch.
Kevin: Well, the CDC says STOP IT. You're going to get us all killed. Also, it makes your adult acne way worse, by the way.
Me: Yes, but it gives me the feeling that I am doing something about my adult acne.
Kevin: That's not rational.
Me: Well, neither are you. We aren't going to die.
Kevin: Don't listen to me, listen to the scientists. And they are tell you to STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE.
Me: Fine, I'll just grow a beard then.
Kevin: The CDC doesn't recommend beards either.
Me: Then what is a middle-aged blond lady supposed to do?
Kevin: You can just shave every day, like I do.
Me: That's just going to make my adult acne worse. I have very sensitive skin.
Kevin: Sigh. First of all, I honestly think if you stop touching your face altogether, you'll be amazed at how your adult acne clears up, even if you are shaving.  Second of all, WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR ADULT ACNE AND YOUR CHIN HAIRS. THIS IS A GLOBAL HEALTH EMERGENCY.
Me: Well, if I'm not going to die, I don't want to look hideous.  I don't want you to leave me for some other beardless woman with clear skin.
Kevin: You are once again missing the point. And also, do you think I, as a germophobe, am honestly going to run out and start having an affair during a pandemic?
Me: Probably not, but with all due respect, your approach to germs is not entirely consistent. You don't seem alarmed at all at those dishes that have been sitting there for 3 days with food caked on them.  That, my friend, is a pandemic waiting to happen.
Me: Look, I'm not criticizing your dish-washing. In fact, I'm relieved you don't care about the sanitation of our house, it's just a lot less work for everyone.
Kevin: Are you going to take the coronavirus seriously or not?
Me: Honestly? Probably not. I mean, I'll wash my hands after I go to the bathroom.
Kevin: You should be doing that anyway!!!
Me: I do, I do...usually...
Kevin: Look, I love you very much, but if you can't adhere to CDC protocol, I'm going to have to ask you to leave for the duration of the pandemic.
Me: What?! Why? Where do you want me to go?
Kevin: Well, the weather is getting warmer. I thought we might pitch a tent in the backyard.
Me: Are you serious? You can't be serious! Where am I supposed to pee?
Kevin: We can get you a port-a-potty back there.
Me: I AM NOT PEEING IN A PORT-A-POTTY!!!  And where am I supposed to shower?
Kevin: I'll get you some baby wipes and dry shampoo. Once a week, you can come in and shower. Then we will disinfect the house and send you back outside.
Me: Wow, you've really thought this through...I'm scared of you right now...
Kevin: Scared enough to STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE?!
Me: Fine.



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