Let's start over, without the high heels

Many people are suggesting this pandemic situation will allow us to reassess how we have done many things in human society and to correct course.  People who think they are socialists (but who in fact never had to bring their own soap and toilet paper to 1980s Tanzania) are encouraged by the discussion of a universal basic income during the crisis and hope it might prove its worth.  Environmental activists are excited by all the pollution clearing due to the cessation of economic production and suggest we might undo some of the damage we've done to the planet.  Teachers are not saying, but are no doubt thinking, that maybe now that everyone has to educate their own children, whom the teachers could have already told you are all little punks, perhaps they might get their salaries doubled. Or quadrupled. Or maybe they will all be made deities.

Well, I'd like to add something to the pile of trash we are burning here. Women's fashion and beauty.  ALL. OF. IT.  

Ladies, we have an amazing opportunity, if we all work together and agree, to free ourselves from the ridiculous, burdensome societal expectations of beauty under which we have been living for centuries.  Our men are locked in their houses, maybe for months on end, and we are the only women they are seeing. Yes, there is the internet, and we all know what is on the internet, and if you haven't put parental controls on your man's computer by now, then you need to get on that. Regardless of the skanky internet women, we are the only women they are seeing in the flesh, even if that flesh is flaky and unshaven.

The other day my husband hit on me. I was on day 2 or 3 of wearing the same pair of PJs for most of the day and not bathing. I have fine, blonde hair that ideally needs washing every day, so it was stuck to my head as if saran-wrapped there. I was wearing a pair of those massive, hipster glasses that I got because  I wanted to look cool or at least wise like Oprah but in which I in fact just look ugly.  I (obviously) had no make up on, and I need make up, because as we all know, I have copious, age-defying levels of adult acne. My chin hairs were unruly, because I have stopped touching my face, sort of, and I was wearing my retainer, because what better time to shove one's teeth back into place than during a pandemic.  Nothing was shaven.  I looked absolutely hideous and smelled like rancid yeast. But nonetheless, he hit on me. I looked at him like he had just voluntarily eaten of bowl of rancid yeast. And then I had an epiphany.

What if everyone's expectations of what is attractive could be reset? What if after months of not seeing any woman who had performed the full female routine of making themselves presentable to the outside world, everyone thought we look amazing without even trying? What if women emerged from this time, enjoying a lifestyle free from beauty tyranny, finally ready to band together and say NO to all the things to which we enslave ourselves, things that make our backs hurt, pinch our fat, give us razor burn, and use a bunch of time and money that might be better spent on global conquest and domination?  Things like
High heels or any shoe in which one cannot walk at least a mile
Clothing without elastic and stretchyness
Underclothing that cuts off circulation
Clothing without lots of pockets, and we all decide we can put all the things in them without worrying if we look fat. Then we stop carrying bags everywhere, and men and children are too afraid to leave the house again
All make-up
All curling irons, wands, straighteners, hot rollers, etc.
Blow dryers are OK but only to literally dry the hair to prevent pneumonia, not to do "blow outs"
Hair spray, gel, mousse, etc.
Dry shampoo is OK, in fact, maybe get rid of the other shampoo
Razors (I admit I'm torn on this one. I do like a clean armpit)
Tweezers (OK maybe not. I do find tweezing strangely satisfying)
"Creams" of all kinds, because NONE OF THEM WORK ANYWAY, YOU ARE ALL DUPES
"Polishes" of all kinds, DITTO
Most accessories
Things that supposedly are clothing in which to sleep but in which one freezes to death and also over which one must put other clothes if there is an emergency in the middle of the night, wasting precious time and risking lives.  If you can't immediately bound out of bed and run into the street without scandalizing someone, it cannot exist.
If anyone is still wearing panty hose, fork that over, too (I'm looking at you Princess Kate)

Now I know what some of you are thinking.  "But I like fashion! I like make-up! I like accessories and bags!" NO. You don't. You have been led to believe you do, by an industry that in fact is also secretly run by men and doesn't want you to succeed in life.  THIS IS OUR MOMENT, SISTERS. THIS IS OUR TIME.  We have to decide NOW how the post-corona world is going to look. And then we need to remake the world in our own newly revolting image.

However, since we are locked inside without much to do, I may experiment with eye shadow first.


  1. Sooooo..... I am already kind of there. Until December, I worked at an engineering company. I did an experiment when I started - could I wear the same clothes every week? Could I go a year without buying new clothes?

    Yes. Yes, I could. NOBODY CARED.

    I stopped buying new clothes.

    Then - I stopped wearing jewelry.

    They went to jeans every day two years ago, so gone were high heels.

    I dry my hair, but only enough. What is this "gel" of which you speak? :)

    I have never used creams (except sunblock) and I insist on being warm in bed, which is why I wear long underwear to sleep. I don't understand pajamas with no sleeves and a low neckline - those are the very parts that need to be covered. I am covered literally neck to wrist to ankle in bed.

    I am totally with you! I just don't know if it's because I am ahead of the curve or because I am lazy.

  2. You still buy shoes though, right? Just not heels...I do like shoes...


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