As we work our way through the 10 Egyptian plagues...
Well, lice apparently was not enough. Just when we had picked the last nit and felt confident enough to have friendships with outsiders again, Plague #2 descended upon us, Thus Sayeth The Lord of Hosts.
FLU!!!!!
To Which I Doth Reply To The Lord, LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!!
To Which The Lord Replyeth to Me, Why did I create such an overly-dramatic whiner? Go to the doctor, get some Tamiflu and some cough drops and get over yourself.
To Which I Doth Reply to The Lord, OK fine.
Charlotte--who I should just re-name Pharaoh, she seems to be attracting quite a bit of divine retribution these days--went down first. Her entire group of friends went down in fact. I am thinking these friends are not a good influence on her, and I need to get her more pets or AI devices or something. Alexa does not carry communicable diseases that I know of.
We began a mad scramble to convince all our doctors to prescribe Tamiflu for everyone, which none of them wanted to do, despite us telling them God had ordered us to obtain it. Apparently doctors in other states are handing it out like candy, but the DC area doctors are like, No, a population that drives on the beltway and works for the Trump administration should be able to fight off an aggressive virus without help. So Kevin took Charlotte to the ER, where they were more liberal with it, having tested people's faith in Tamiflu with a very long wait. They wouldn't give it to him for himself, however, so he went to another emergency clinic, where they also were feeling generous. It's a good thing, because not 3 hours later, he started in with the chills and cough and took to his bed.
I was getting desperate at this point--2 family members down, although neither of them The Mom, meaning civilization was likely to survive--so I called my doctor and pleaded with her. As I had just had lab work done to determine why I was suddenly becoming morbidly obese and she had just given me the heartbreaking news that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me except age and eating anything more than celery, I guess she was afraid to crush my soul again. She gave me a lengthy assessment of the research on tamiflu as both a cure and prophylactic and the risks and side effects and blah blah blah WOMAN HAND OVER THE DRUGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH ME I AM ONLY EATING CELERY AT THIS POINT.
Last up was Lawson, who had a runny nose and diarrhea--about which he gave me regular, detailed updates including color, consistency, and level of explosiveness--but who was otherwise fine. His doctor told me they absolutely did not give out Tamiflu as a preventative. I quoted scripture and cried but they said NO. I hung up the phone in despair. Then, mysteriously, they called me back. The Lord had apparently visited their office and threatened frogs and darkness. Either that or they got him mixed up with someone who already had the flu. Whatever. They called in a prescription, and I picked it up before they sent some men after me in chariots.
Next the fun part started, and I am not even kidding. For someone like me, with Ridiculous Anxiety Disorder, all the logistics and calling and getting everything settled is the stressful part. Once everyone had their Tamiflu, their cough drops, their juice, their tylenol, their beds and their soup and all seemed stabilized, I could now kick back. Kevin was still worried about people's actual health, but you all know I don't worry about that kind of thing, because after a certain point I am not responsible for that. Best of all it was now Friday afternoon, so the stress of how to cover childcare and work and such which was also causing panic was irrelevant. I parked Lawson in front of the TV, cancelled all plans, and began of full weekend of utter sloth and the suspension of all rules because we were officially in AN EMERGENCY, and everyone knows there is no bar for anything other than basic bodily functions in that case. I even went to McDonalds in my PJs, which was unfortunate, because the drive-thru was backed up horribly, and I ended up going inside McDonalds in my PJs. Everyone looked frightened, and I just said Screw All You people I am lucky to be alive right now.
Now everyone is about back to normal, tomorrow is a work day, and I'm just assessing the damage. The place is littered in pill bottles and the 14 thermometers we bought because we didn't trust the reliability of any one of them independently. There are dozens of half empty cups of juice. There are used tissues and pillows and blankets and dirty socks and assorted filth. There is body odor. It's like a frat house after a wild weekend of partying.
2 plagues down, 8 to go. I hope he doesn't send locusts next. You all know how I hate those things ever since the boys in 9th grade put several hundred all over my dorm room. Also, I had a boil in 6th grade and that thing was both extremely painful and really freaky. I still have a hole in my butt cheek from that. Also, I don't like frogs. I prefer toads. I can handle toads. The others I feel like we could manage (other than the last one, of course, which I will not make light of at all). We don't have any livestock, so that's good. And we have a large supply of bottled water and gatorade at this point.
We're going to make it.
FLU!!!!!
To Which I Doth Reply To The Lord, LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!!
To Which The Lord Replyeth to Me, Why did I create such an overly-dramatic whiner? Go to the doctor, get some Tamiflu and some cough drops and get over yourself.
To Which I Doth Reply to The Lord, OK fine.
Charlotte--who I should just re-name Pharaoh, she seems to be attracting quite a bit of divine retribution these days--went down first. Her entire group of friends went down in fact. I am thinking these friends are not a good influence on her, and I need to get her more pets or AI devices or something. Alexa does not carry communicable diseases that I know of.
We began a mad scramble to convince all our doctors to prescribe Tamiflu for everyone, which none of them wanted to do, despite us telling them God had ordered us to obtain it. Apparently doctors in other states are handing it out like candy, but the DC area doctors are like, No, a population that drives on the beltway and works for the Trump administration should be able to fight off an aggressive virus without help. So Kevin took Charlotte to the ER, where they were more liberal with it, having tested people's faith in Tamiflu with a very long wait. They wouldn't give it to him for himself, however, so he went to another emergency clinic, where they also were feeling generous. It's a good thing, because not 3 hours later, he started in with the chills and cough and took to his bed.
I was getting desperate at this point--2 family members down, although neither of them The Mom, meaning civilization was likely to survive--so I called my doctor and pleaded with her. As I had just had lab work done to determine why I was suddenly becoming morbidly obese and she had just given me the heartbreaking news that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me except age and eating anything more than celery, I guess she was afraid to crush my soul again. She gave me a lengthy assessment of the research on tamiflu as both a cure and prophylactic and the risks and side effects and blah blah blah WOMAN HAND OVER THE DRUGS YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH ME I AM ONLY EATING CELERY AT THIS POINT.
Last up was Lawson, who had a runny nose and diarrhea--about which he gave me regular, detailed updates including color, consistency, and level of explosiveness--but who was otherwise fine. His doctor told me they absolutely did not give out Tamiflu as a preventative. I quoted scripture and cried but they said NO. I hung up the phone in despair. Then, mysteriously, they called me back. The Lord had apparently visited their office and threatened frogs and darkness. Either that or they got him mixed up with someone who already had the flu. Whatever. They called in a prescription, and I picked it up before they sent some men after me in chariots.
Next the fun part started, and I am not even kidding. For someone like me, with Ridiculous Anxiety Disorder, all the logistics and calling and getting everything settled is the stressful part. Once everyone had their Tamiflu, their cough drops, their juice, their tylenol, their beds and their soup and all seemed stabilized, I could now kick back. Kevin was still worried about people's actual health, but you all know I don't worry about that kind of thing, because after a certain point I am not responsible for that. Best of all it was now Friday afternoon, so the stress of how to cover childcare and work and such which was also causing panic was irrelevant. I parked Lawson in front of the TV, cancelled all plans, and began of full weekend of utter sloth and the suspension of all rules because we were officially in AN EMERGENCY, and everyone knows there is no bar for anything other than basic bodily functions in that case. I even went to McDonalds in my PJs, which was unfortunate, because the drive-thru was backed up horribly, and I ended up going inside McDonalds in my PJs. Everyone looked frightened, and I just said Screw All You people I am lucky to be alive right now.
Now everyone is about back to normal, tomorrow is a work day, and I'm just assessing the damage. The place is littered in pill bottles and the 14 thermometers we bought because we didn't trust the reliability of any one of them independently. There are dozens of half empty cups of juice. There are used tissues and pillows and blankets and dirty socks and assorted filth. There is body odor. It's like a frat house after a wild weekend of partying.
2 plagues down, 8 to go. I hope he doesn't send locusts next. You all know how I hate those things ever since the boys in 9th grade put several hundred all over my dorm room. Also, I had a boil in 6th grade and that thing was both extremely painful and really freaky. I still have a hole in my butt cheek from that. Also, I don't like frogs. I prefer toads. I can handle toads. The others I feel like we could manage (other than the last one, of course, which I will not make light of at all). We don't have any livestock, so that's good. And we have a large supply of bottled water and gatorade at this point.
We're going to make it.
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